G-Force Review

THIS IS A REVIEW FOR THE DISNEY DIGITAL 3-D VERSION OF “G-FORCE”, BUT THERE REALLY IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS VERSION AND THE 2-D. THEY BOTH SUCK.

The day I see a movie about talking secret agent guinea pigs that talk about hooking up on Facebook is the day I know that something is seriously wrong with society. Remember the good old days when every damn animated film had something to offer for both kids and adults? Those days are almost dead (thank Jesus for Pixar), and “G-Force” is proof of that theory. This movie has a plot that we’ve seen in a hundred movies, and it’s been done a hundred times better. It’s another fish-out-of-water where you have somebody or a shitload of people (in this case, four annoying guinea pigs) that are forced out of there comfortable environment and placed somewhere completely foreign to them. Sound familiar?

The humor is as a dry as a bone in this movie. It has very unoriginal visual gags that the kids will enjoy. I laughed once during this movie, and I maybe smiled once of twice. The rest of the time I was groaning and putting a bored look on my face.

The least they could do is try to entertain me with the 3-D crap they have in the movie that’s being so heavily advertised. I’ll admit, it looks great as a movie. The guinea pigs doing their secret agent shit is cool to look at, and the action scenes do pop out if you’re in the right mood. But, there is no reason to pay more money to see it in 3-D. I have a big fucking problem with Disney Digital 3-D. To me, it’s not really 3-D. Most of the movies that Disney makes don’t really need to be projected the Disney Digital 3-D format. It sucks to watch the 3-D “effects” on a small screen, and if you’re going to see a 3-D movie at a movie theater, go to IMAX for God sakes. This format of the 3-D did not immerse me into the experience, and it had very little experience to offer. At least Disney is doing the right thing by giving me the option to see “A Christmas Carol” and “Alice in Wonderland” in IMAX, and I’m now really looking forward to seeing “Alice in Wonderland”.

The voice actors in this movie include Nicholas Cage, Sam Rockwell, and Tracy Morgan. There were also some voice-actors that I wanted to look at, point my finger at them, and say “what the hell are you doing in this movie”? We have Penelope Cruz in this movie, fresh off the Oscar boat. She just won an undeserved Oscar and now she’s starring in this movie. Her agent needs to be fucking fired. The character she plays in this movie is a bitch. And she’s not one of those charming bitches (Bower’s daughter from “24”), she’s a hardcore bad-ass bitch. Jon Favreau is in this as well. Yes people, the director of “Iron Man” is in this movie. He has to kick me in the nuts before I can see “Iron Man 2”, but I guess it’s worth it. Bill Nighy, what the fuck are you doing this movie? He can be a great villain when he wants to (look at the last two Pirates of the Caribbean movies), but he’s just a lame dork in this movie.

You’ve heard my opinion. It’s not a good movie at all, but it still has a little bit of charm in it that kept from completely hating it. If you’ve been to high school, this is not a movie for you. There is fucking reason to see this movie at all unless you have kids who say “Mommy! Mommy! Daddy! Daddy! Take me to see “G-Force”. By then, you’re screwed. But who knows, maybe you’ll like it. I know people that are my age that loved “Ice Age 3”, and in the end it’s just my opinion. The only thing I ask you is to not see this in 3-D. It’s not worth it and you’ll probably save yourself a migraine by seeing in 2-D. But for those willing to see it in 3-D, you get to see the incredible 3-D teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s adaptation of “Alice in Wonderland”. C-

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Review

After Christopher Columbus left the directing reigns for the third Harry Potter film to Alfonso Cuaron, I noticed that I started to like the series much less with each film. I really enjoyed the first two films, but then the quality sort of dropped from then. After walking out of “Order of the Phoenix” feeling very disappointed, I was very concerned about how my least favorite Harry Potter book could be made into a great movie and with the same cast and crew. What surprised me about this film is how goddamn emotionally powerful it is. From the romantic subplots to the nail-biting suspense, every second of this amazing film had me in wonderment. I haven’t loved a Harry Potter film since “Chamber of Secrets”, and that was seven years ago. “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” is the best Harry Potter movie ever made, and one of the year’s best films. I can’t wait to see this movie again.

I don’t remember much about the book, but I was hugely entertained by the way they constructed the story and all the romantic subplots. Probably the biggest surprise for me was the fact that I actually cared and gave a damn about the teenage romances we see in this film. In fact, I liked the romantic subplots more than I liked the story. The relationship that Hermione and Ron share is similar to the one that Beatrice and Benedick shared in Shakespeare’s “Much Ado about Nothing”. The love/hate relationship they have and the chemistry between them is off-charts and you feel like they were destined to be together during the whole movie. But, let’s not forget about Harry and Ginny. In one of the film’s best scenes, Harry is comforting Hermione after she witnesses Ron kissing another girl. While crying, Hermione asks Harry what it feels like when he sees Ginny kissing another boy. He replies: “it feels like this.” It’s such a delight hearing so much honesty from the characters, and it breaks your heart to hear Harry utter those words. It’s so refreshing to know that I am willingly letting myself become attached to these characters and actually caring about their fates. The main story itself is fantastic. There are some incredibly funny scenes in this film, and some just as equally frightening and disturbing.

My, my, my, how these actors have grown. Daniel Radcliffe is one hell of an actor! He conveys incredible acting talent in some of film’s crucial moments. Like I mentioned above, we can feel his every little emotion behind his words and it’s wonderful to see Radcliffe grow into such a mature and convincing actor. Rupert Grint is still mostly there for comic relief but he has his shining moments as well. Plus, he has such great chemistry with Emma Watson, who deserves a Best Supporting Actress nomination as Hermione Granger. Even the adult characters are amazing, including Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman, Jim Broadbent, and Helena Bonham Carter. Even Tom Felton transforms Draco Malfoy from a whiny loser to a sinister villain.

If this film does not at least get nominated for Best Visual Effects, I will be astounded. The environments are breath-taking to look at and they pack so many details into each shot. When looking at the environments, I felt that they were extremely realistic and I wanted to jump into the film and explore this amazing world. The spell effects are also truly groundbreaking. The way the illuminating spell’s light reflects off the environment is amazing and the attack spells are unleashed upon the environment with extremely realistic results.

Look, I’m running out of positive things to say about this film. The score is excellent. The costume design is excellent. The list goes on and on and on.

Overall, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” succeeded my expectations and it is now my favorite Harry Potter film. It’s a magical experience. I look forward to the final two movies and hope they are just as wondrous and magical as this film. A+

Bruno Review

This movie is fucked up. It’s pumped to the brim with bad taste and enormous shock value. This movie is vile, disgusting, disturbing, and extremely fucked up. But, in the end, isn’t that what we were expecting this movie to be like? Disgusting, fucked up, and gross? I certainly expected “Bruno” to be sick, maybe even sicker than “Borat”. I was very worried about this film, because I thought Bruno was just Borat with a different accent. So, are there enough laughs to justify the sick and disgusting humor in this film? Absolutely! But, I was right about one thing, because I felt that Bruno was just Borat with a different accent, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. “Bruno” is homophobic-unfriendly, disgusting, and very funny.

I can’t really describe the plot of “Bruno” without spoiling it, so just go on IMDb for the plot. The plot is the main weakness of “Bruno”. “Borat” had a focused story and knew where it was going (no matter how random it may have seemed), but “Bruno” is extremely random. The storyline isn’t very consistent and you probably will sit through the movie thinking “okay, now where is this going?” The gags and jokes in this film are gut-bustingly hilarious. There are some extremely vulgar jokes that had me rolling in my seat with laughter, and most of them hit the mark right on. This film is not for the faint of heart or easily-uncomforted. There are certain scenes in this film that will make your mouth drop and it will stay there for a good 10 minutes. On the negative side, some of the jokes fall flat and what may seem funny to some may be totally worthless to others. There was one joke involving Christianity that I thought was extremely offensive to me and it pulled me out of the movie for a few seconds. But I immediately got back in and started laughing all over again.

There is no easy way to describe to describe the acting in this film. I give Sacha Baron Cohen major props for staying committed to his character. He is a genius at making people feel uncomfortable, but he can still get multiple laughs from the audience. And look, I know that some of the people in the film were in on the joke (if they weren’t, Sacha Baron Cohen would be dead) but he certainly convinced me that none of the film was staged. I thought every shocking minute of it was genuine and real. The supporting characters are just as committed as Sacha Baron Cohen is, and completely work.

I’m giving you huge word of warning. Remember that scene in “Borat” where Borat has the nude wrestling match? Well, half of “Bruno” is the same humor as that scene. Many, many scenes in this movie will put a lot of people off and it will guarantee multiple disgusted responses. If you are a parent and take your little kid to see this movie, FUCK YOU. You are shitty parent. You need social services to come to your house and take your kid away from you for exposing your child to this disgusting movie. Sure it’s hilarious, but it’s not appropriate for them.

Overall, “Bruno” is a great comedy. It’s not as good as “Borat” but it’s very funny and it works on so many levels of vulgarity. I will not see this movie for a long time, because these kinds of movies are not friendly on second viewings. I haven’t seen “Borat” in more than a year now, and I own it on DVD. For these movies, you have to watch it, and then wait a very long time before you see it again. Only then will you see the true greatness in this film. A-

I Love You, Beth Cooper Review

Remember a little film called “College” that I reviewed last year. On my list of the worst films of 2008, “College” was number one. I also said that “College” was a total piece of shit and one of the worst films I have ever seen. I just got back from a free screening of “I Love You, Beth Cooper” in Los Angeles and I have learned one thing. Compared to “I Love You, Beth Cooper”, “College” is “The Dark Knight. “College” is a goddamn masterpiece compared to “I Love You, Beth Cooper”. In case you haven’t realized what I’m getting at, I’m saying that “I Love You, Beth Cooper” is an offensive, stupidly-written, horrendously-directed piece of shit. It’s about a high school valedictorian who proclaims his love for the most popular girl in his school - Beth Cooper- during his graduation speech. That very night, Beth Cooper arrives at his doorstep and takes him out for a night on the town and a high school adventure he will never forget.

This film was directed Chris Columbus, who directed the first two Harry Potter and Home Alone movies, but I don’t know what worthy qualities he saw in the script that made him want to direct this crap. Even worse, the film was written by Larry Doyle. What the fuck possessed this great talent to write something so awful? He wrote some of the funniest “Beavis and Butt-head” episodes ever and some of the funniest “The Simpsons” episodes ever. The script is trash. There isn’t a single line of dialogue in this movie that didn’t have me cringing. It also doesn’t help the fact that the dialogue is delivered by some of the worst actors out there.

Hayden Panettiere (baby, you are fine as hell) was a terrible person to cast as the title character, and I know she can deliver dialogue fantastically. She voiced Dot in “A Bug’s Life” many years ago, and I thought she did a great job. Better yet, she voiced Kairi in the Kingdom Hearts video game series who, once again, gave a stunning and heartfelt performance. I know this girl can act, yet I’m seeing none of her talent. I also consider her one of the people that have “The Jessica Alba Curse”. She plays the character on such a charmless level and displays no range of emotions at all. I hated the character so much that I wouldn’t care if she got gang-raped by her asshole boyfriend and his jock butt-buddies.

There is also the nerd character that I had a serious problem with. In the movie, he is nicknamed “The Penis” and right off the bat, that nickname (alone) tells me so much about his personality. The guy who plays the nerd is Paul Rust, who’s also set to star in “Inglourious Basterds” later this summer, and he is a worthless human being. Displaying not likeability or sweetness makes me want to hate this guy. I will go so far as to say this: if anybody at my school had the same personality as this bitch, I would drag their ass to the bathroom, give them a long swirly, smash their face against a sink, and leave them to bleed on the bathroom floor. There is nothing this character does that’s of any value, and the only thing he seems to do in this movie is screaming. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

Beth Cooper: Eeek, a raccoon!
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Asshole Boyfriend: I’m going to kill you.
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nerd’s Friend: Her boyfriend is going to kill us.
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See what I mean?

There is also not a single supporting character that I liked at all. The asshole boyfriend? An asshole and annoying, what a combination! The nerd’s parents? Stupid as fuck. Beth’s friends? Bitchy as they come. The nerd’s friend? Don’t get me started. There is also a shower scene where they could’ve shown Hayden Panettiere nude, but since it’s a PG-13 movie we don’t see shit.

Overall, this film is a complete waste of the “talents” these people have and a complete waste of your money. Even though this film was free, I was still so pissed off after walking out. Unless you are completely desperate to see some small glimpses of Hayden Panettiere’s naked backside, do not bother with this worthless film. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen and come December 2009, you will here about this film again, but not in a good way. F

I Love You, Beth Cooper Advance Screening

I have just discovered that there will be showing FREE advance screenings of I Love You, Beth Cooper tomorrow in ten cities across America. Since it's free, I have decided to go even though my expectations for this film are very, very low. But I'm still kind of curious as to why they are doing these free screenings for "I Love You, Beth Cooper". "College" was a piece of shit, but they had no free advance screenings for this film. This film wasn't screened for critics, so why they are screening it to us for free? Anyway, I will have the review for this film on EaC and my blog around late Thursday night. I'm not sure if I should be worried about this film. I'm not paying anything, but I fear what I am about to see.

Public Enemies Review

This is the perfect (most recent) example of a film not reaching its full potential. This film had everything going for it: a great lead actor, a great director, and terrific action scenes. So why did I come out of this film feeling satisfied yet disappointed? The problem with this film is that I (I’ll admit it) assumed that Johnny Depp would give an Oscar-caliber performance. But what was happened was that I came out of “Public Enemies”, and I said something that I never thought I would say after watching this movie.

“I liked Christian Bale’s performance a whole lot more than Johnny Depp’s.”

It’s painful to say, but it’s the truth.

“Public Enemies” begins with John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) and another gang member busting the other members of their gang from a prison in Indiana. Meanwhile somewhere else, Agent Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale) manages to hunt down and kill Pretty Boy Floyd, a notorious bank robber and killer. With that act, Purvis is promoted by J. Edgar Hoover (Billy Crudup) to lead a special team of agents that is tasked with hunting down John Dillinger and other public enemies.

Now for those who know me, I praise Johnny Depp. I think he is one of the most gifted actors to ever reach the big screen, and I believe he can do anything and not screw it up. He’s played a pirate, a singing serial killer, a chocolate wizard, and now he plays John Dillinger. I can’t put my finger on it but there was something about Depp’s performance that I did not like for the first half of the film. I thought he was very bland, and just wasn’t that much fun to watch for an hour or so. There is a certain unique thing that Johnny Depp brings to all of his roles, but he just didn’t bring it for this film. But I will say that by the second act, his performance turned from boring to great. I really, really liked this guy during the second half of the film and I found him to be a very charming character. Plus, he has great chemistry with Marion Cotillard, who gives an absolutely astounding performance as Dillinger’s sweet but naïve girlfriend.

Then there’s Christian Bale, who I found to be spell-binding the whole duration of the film, something Johnny Depp failed to do. There are many people that I know that consider Christian Bale to be very overrated and say he brings no emotion to the film. Here, he plays the role of that lone lawman with quiet, yet fierce intensity. Every second of the film, Christian Bale looks like he could completely breakdown and turn into that whiny cop, but he keeps his cool the entire movie and it’s fascinating to watch him. He saved me from being completely bored during the first half of the film. Some might think I might be going too far by saying this, but I believe Christian Bale should get a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination come February.

Michael Mann KNOWS how to direct action, and he does it better than ever in this film. From the bloody gunshot wounds to the ear-piercing sound of firing tommy guns, Mann creates some truly incredible action scenes that are some of the best I have seen all year. He also is a master at creating realistic violence. When someone gets shot, the bloody chunks fly out and blood oozes onto the floor (well, now you know why it’s rated R).

I also want to give special attention to Billy Crudup’s performance as J. Edgar Hoover, which is a fine performance. He’s on the screen for a very short time, but he is very convincing and a thrill to watch.

Public Enemies has some very realistic and bloody violence. When characters are shot, blood spurts out and, sometimes, covers part of the screen.

Overall, “Public Enemies” fails to reach its status as a legendary crime film. It’s a good movie, but I wished it had been better. I might see it one more time, but then I will never see it again. B

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