I Love You, Beth Cooper Review

Remember a little film called “College” that I reviewed last year. On my list of the worst films of 2008, “College” was number one. I also said that “College” was a total piece of shit and one of the worst films I have ever seen. I just got back from a free screening of “I Love You, Beth Cooper” in Los Angeles and I have learned one thing. Compared to “I Love You, Beth Cooper”, “College” is “The Dark Knight. “College” is a goddamn masterpiece compared to “I Love You, Beth Cooper”. In case you haven’t realized what I’m getting at, I’m saying that “I Love You, Beth Cooper” is an offensive, stupidly-written, horrendously-directed piece of shit. It’s about a high school valedictorian who proclaims his love for the most popular girl in his school - Beth Cooper- during his graduation speech. That very night, Beth Cooper arrives at his doorstep and takes him out for a night on the town and a high school adventure he will never forget.

This film was directed Chris Columbus, who directed the first two Harry Potter and Home Alone movies, but I don’t know what worthy qualities he saw in the script that made him want to direct this crap. Even worse, the film was written by Larry Doyle. What the fuck possessed this great talent to write something so awful? He wrote some of the funniest “Beavis and Butt-head” episodes ever and some of the funniest “The Simpsons” episodes ever. The script is trash. There isn’t a single line of dialogue in this movie that didn’t have me cringing. It also doesn’t help the fact that the dialogue is delivered by some of the worst actors out there.

Hayden Panettiere (baby, you are fine as hell) was a terrible person to cast as the title character, and I know she can deliver dialogue fantastically. She voiced Dot in “A Bug’s Life” many years ago, and I thought she did a great job. Better yet, she voiced Kairi in the Kingdom Hearts video game series who, once again, gave a stunning and heartfelt performance. I know this girl can act, yet I’m seeing none of her talent. I also consider her one of the people that have “The Jessica Alba Curse”. She plays the character on such a charmless level and displays no range of emotions at all. I hated the character so much that I wouldn’t care if she got gang-raped by her asshole boyfriend and his jock butt-buddies.

There is also the nerd character that I had a serious problem with. In the movie, he is nicknamed “The Penis” and right off the bat, that nickname (alone) tells me so much about his personality. The guy who plays the nerd is Paul Rust, who’s also set to star in “Inglourious Basterds” later this summer, and he is a worthless human being. Displaying not likeability or sweetness makes me want to hate this guy. I will go so far as to say this: if anybody at my school had the same personality as this bitch, I would drag their ass to the bathroom, give them a long swirly, smash their face against a sink, and leave them to bleed on the bathroom floor. There is nothing this character does that’s of any value, and the only thing he seems to do in this movie is screaming. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

Beth Cooper: Eeek, a raccoon!
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Asshole Boyfriend: I’m going to kill you.
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nerd’s Friend: Her boyfriend is going to kill us.
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See what I mean?

There is also not a single supporting character that I liked at all. The asshole boyfriend? An asshole and annoying, what a combination! The nerd’s parents? Stupid as fuck. Beth’s friends? Bitchy as they come. The nerd’s friend? Don’t get me started. There is also a shower scene where they could’ve shown Hayden Panettiere nude, but since it’s a PG-13 movie we don’t see shit.

Overall, this film is a complete waste of the “talents” these people have and a complete waste of your money. Even though this film was free, I was still so pissed off after walking out. Unless you are completely desperate to see some small glimpses of Hayden Panettiere’s naked backside, do not bother with this worthless film. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen and come December 2009, you will here about this film again, but not in a good way. F